Archive for the ‘Spray-on-Hair in a Can’ Category

Flashback: Joe Giudice v. Joe Gorga Fight Voiced by Chief Wiggum & Moe – “He’s Bitin’ My Nuts, WTF?!”

January 28, 2014 42 comments

In the video above, Hank Azaria does voiceover as Chief Wiggum and Moe from The Simpsons for the Joe Giudice v. Joe Gorga fight at Lake George, The Real Housewives of New Jersey season 5 – the episode where Gorga’s spray-on hair polish gets on everybody in the room.

Juicy Joe’s tagline for season 5 should have been: “He’s bitin’ my nuts, WTF?!

SecretSquirrel said at FW on August 25, 2013:

Regarding a takedown of Gorga and Laurita – remember during/after the fight when Joe Gorga said to Juicy, “You made me a bum, just like you!”? – Teresa once said that Juicy showed her brother the “business” (robbing banks by pen, not gun, by amassing loan money and paying it with the next loan). Joe Gorga has done almost the same as Juicy; and Joe Gorga now blames Juicy for showing him the tricks, yet only Gorga has managed to keep up with the loans, even if it means stealing/forfeiting his parents house.

GessieWTF’s Take on Juicy Joe Kicking Baby Joey’s Ass

October 3, 2013 258 comments


By gessiewtf
Originally posted on July 11, 2013

A former male stripper was charged with attempted murder for biting a man’s penis and testicles during a steroid-fueled rage at an upscale retreat in Lake George.

Joe Gorga, 41, was sexually aroused with blood dripping from his face as he “growled and snarled” and was crying for his mother when he was taken by police, according to the arrest report. There was a delay in the arrest because the police had to send a unit back to the station to obtain smaller handcuffs for the balding diminutive suspect and to get pepper spray in case he attempted the same thing on the arresting officers.

“I literally thought there was a rabid raccoon inside this place,” said Evette Mays, the hotel guest who dialed 911.

The stoic victim, covered in the man’s sputum, suffered from severe bite marks on his genitals as the deranged suspect gnawed right through the victim’s trousers. He told deputies that it appeared as if Gorga was “trying to eat his penis and testicles,” reported the Lake George Mirror.

The suspect’s wife also gouged the victim’s eyes and hit him in the face and head, police said.

“I thought the guy was on bath salts or something,” said Mays. “When I dialed that number 911, I said, ‘Lady, you better get someone over here quick, because somebody is about to die, and I’m not talking about the victim.”

The perpetrator is a cast member of a scripted reality show and told officials that he was in love with the victim and could no longer pretend that he was happily married to his wife.

By gessiewtf
Originally posted on July 17, 2013

N.J. Pool Man held in sexual assault and attempted poisoning case.

By Eaton D’Ballsack

Lake George, N.Y. (ABC 4 News) – A man named Joe Gorga, who was originally thought to be under the influence of the street drug, bath salts, has been released on bond as the substances found in his toxicology screen do not prohibit him from being released on bail, said his attorney, Tryme Sacke.

Only one banned substance, an anabolic steroid, was determined to be present in his toxicology report.

The other substances, which were present but determined to be legal (although curious), included;

(1) nitrous oxide, which is commonly found in canned whipped cream;

(2) tetrahydroxypropl ethylenediamine, a chemical commonly used in spray-on hair products for balding men; and

(3) estrogen.

In an unprecedented move, His Eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan, the Archbishop of New York, stripped him of his god-parenting responsibilities, despite the fact that there is no canonical procedure for replacing a godparent or relieving him of his office without direct authority from the Vatican.

Cardinal Dolan released the following statement this morning:

“When a man who is charged with the spiritual safety of a child is thought to require an exorcism, we have the authority to strip him of his duties, until said procedure can be performed by obtaining an edict from the Vatican. It has yet to be determined if the Holy Sea can be of any help to this man. He may require extensive psychiatric care.”

His attorney, who is a disbarred in 49 states and works at an establishment called Sizzle Tan, volunteered the suspect for involuntary electric shock treatments. His client, who has an I.Q. of 84, pounded his fist on the defendant dock and screamed, “Yes, my penis sock.”

It is not clear that the defendant understands the charges against him; his competency is to be determined at a later date.

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According to court documents, he was arrested for sexually assaulting a Montville man who he attacked without provocation; and during the commission of the alleged assault, his hair product was distributed all over the victim and those nearby, which could lead to future health issues, thereby leaving the perpetrator open to civil lawsuits, as well.

The perpetrator’s attorney argued that bail be set at negative $250,000, which it appears he confused with his client’s net worth.

When that request was denied, Mr. Gorga offered to put up his parent’s home for collateral. A recess was called so the presiding judge could assess that proposal. It was discovered that the defendant had defrauded his own parents out of the equity of their life-long residence, prompting the judge to become impatient.

“Mr. Gorga, you have insulted this court for the final time. The next thing you will offer is the filling in your parents’ teeth. Can you post bail or not? It is a simple god-damned question.”

“Would you be interested in 50 cases of my wife’s hit single, ‘On Display?’,” he asked. “I have $10,000 worth of stolen tools that I buried in my back yard, too.”

The judge replied: “Bailiff, do you have your taser on you? Just release him to a f***ing zoo. I’m done.”

According to court documents, back in May, Gorga tried to molest a transvestite living in a Millcreek home just off 4500 S. Main St. in Upper Saddle, N.J. That day, police say her 12-year-old sister scared Gorga away. Court documents say Gorga came back last week and, this time, he forced his way into the house, began molesting the family dog, and when the brother tried to stop to him, Gorga grabbed his penis and bit it.

Neighbors can’t believe it.

“I think it’s very scary,” said Judy Golightly.

“I think it’s kind of weird,” said Richard Golightly.

“It makes me angry,” said Bud Hancock.

“Why the f*** is this guy out on the streets?,” said Milford Bittenballz.

The victim in this case, Mr. Giuseppe Giudice, who has become something of an internet sensation for not killing the man during the altercation, declined to be interviewed for this report. However, he was deposed and the deposition became a matter of public record at 2:00 PM EST.

“This isn’t the first time this f**ktard tried to bite my nuts off. He did it at my f***ng wedding and my bachelor party. If I didn’t love my wife, I’d f***ng take him for a long ride in my truck with a shovel and my fist, and only one of us would come back. His own father wants me to kill him for Christ’s sake.”

No other information is available at this time.

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Joe Gorga Started the Fight, Melissa Fully Participated, and the Gorgas Called the Giudices 15 Names in a Five-Minute Clip of the Altercation

July 20, 2013 350 comments

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“I made a promise to her father that I wouldn’t beat the shit out of him. He’s gotta stop with the shit!” – Juicy talking to Rosie on the terrace just before Teresa comes outside to tell him that she wants to leave because her brother is calling her scum

When Poison recovered from being tossed into the wall and proceeded to latch onto Juicy’s testicles, Melissa didn’t try to break up the fight, like she said, or help pull the Joes apart, like she accused Teresa of not doing, she joined right in – scratching and slapping Juicy’s face and head, pulling his hair, pinching his nose, and thrusting her thumbs into his eyes – fully participating in the brawl (just like at the Christening in season 3, when she was kicking into the crowd).

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Before Melissa starting getting her licks in, she was hysterical and screaming at Teresa to help her brother because she knew that “black shit” from Poison’s spray-on hair was going to be smeared onto everyone, and she feared they would be the laughing stock of the show.

The following is a partial transcript of the scene after the fight, when Melissa charges at Teresa and calls her a “disgusting pig”:

Kathy: He didn’t do anything! He was trying to help.

Teresa: Yeah, whatever! He called me scum! He wants to call his sister names?! (to Juicy) Let’s go!

Melissa (hysterical and screaming, running toward Teresa – Rosie blocks her from charging Teresa): You stood there!!! They were fighting and you let them fight!!! You disgusting pig!!

Teresa: Stop.

Melissa still screaming: They were fighting and you wouldn’t help your brother!! You’re disgusting!!!

Teresa: Let’s go Joe.

Melissa (pointing her finger and still screaming at Teresa): You’re a disgusting pig!

Melissa TH: I looked at Teresa a one point. Like, all bets are off. Our husbands are on top of each other. Help me out here. Help me pull them apart. And she walked out of the room! I just never want to look at these people again for the rest of my life.

Juicy: That bitch was scratching my face!

Teresa: I know. I know. What am I going to do?

Teresa (as they are walking toward their room): He wants to call his sister scum?! Let’s go.

Melissa (still in the conference room, taking a last swig from her glass of wine): Let’s go! This fucking black shoe polish all over.

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At the 2:00 mark in the video (screen shots above) Poison pushes Melissa away from him, and at the 3:37 mark he pushes her away again before slamming something to the ground, just like at the Christening brawl in season 3, when Poison pushed Melissa out of his way as he lunged for Juicy.

A source told FW that Joe Gorga will only start a fight if there is a crowd around because he knows in a one-on-one, with nobody around to break it up and protect him, he will get his ass kicked (he was the same way back in high school, according to the source). Melissa must know this too, since both at the retreat and at the Christening she involved herself in the brawl (hitting Juicy at the retreat and kicking into the crowd at the Christening) – and remember that Joe Gorga shoved her out of the way to lunge at Juicy at the Christening, which he would have done to her at the retreat if she had stood in his path.

The following are screen shots of the fight (see the last blog or click here for the video).

PART 1 (screen shots in order from top to bottom, column 1 then column 2)

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PART 2 (screen shots in order from top to bottom, column 1 then column 2)

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PART 3 (screen shots in order from top to bottom, column 1 then column 2)

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PART 4 (screen shots in order from top to bottom, column 1 then column 2)

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By Isolde
July 18, 2013

Melissa and Joe Gorga claim to be the victims, and they say that they don’t trash talk or do anything wrong, but in the video of just over five minutes, I counted the insults and who said them.

It starts with Melissa calling Teresa “poison”, and then Joe Gorga proceeds to calling his sister “scum”, three times after that. Teresa walks out and Joe Gorga tells the team builder that Teresa is “his enemy”. Joe Giudice tells Gorga to apologize, and Gorga immediately charges him, starting the fight. Melissa says during the melee, that Gorga didn’t do anything, he was trying to help, meanwhile hitting Joe Giudice, scratching his face and pulling his hair.

After the two are pulled apart (after Teresa brings in security), Gorga calls Giudice a mother f*cker, and tells him he will beat the f*ck out of him. Giudice tells him to come on, and he’ll take one shot and Gorga will go down, and tells him to come on and suck it, as he was biting his balls. Melissa attacks Teresa verbally, calling her disgusting and a disgusting pig three times because Teresa went to get help instead of helping her brother.

If four people were trying to pull them apart and couldn’t, Teresa did the right thing in getting help because then they were separated.

Melissa continues to say that Joe Gorga didn’t do anything (except insult his sister and charge Joe Giudice). Gorga tells Juicy that he made him become a “bum” like him. Teresa pleads with her husband and physically pulls him out of the room. As they leave, Juicy tells Teresa that the “bitch” (Melissa) was scratching his face. Teresa says that she wanted to punch f*cking Melissa in the face (so did I) for expecting her to break up the fight.

Downstairs, Gorga continues to call the Giudices “f*cking scumbags, trash; Melissa calls them disgusting animals and says Teresa did like the “devil” would do. Rich Wakile tells Gorga, don’t worry, “you got him”, “you got him”…hilarious if that is what he thinks.

My point is this: for people who never do anything to start anything or trash talk and would like to place all the blame on the Giudices, I counted 15 names that the Gorgas called Joe and Teresa in this five minute tape, and charging Joe Giudice, thus starting the altercation.

In the same tape, Joe Giudice called Melissa a bitch one time, and Teresa said “f*cking Melissa” one time (although Teresa did tell Melissa to shut up 2-3 times when she was blaming Teresa for not breaking them up, which anyone would have done and then some).

The tape clearly shows who the disgusting animals and disgusting pigs are. When Melissa said “now we are white trash”, truer words were never spoken. There is no question who is to blame and who is truly the villains–the tape showed it all.

By Jeannie5233
July 18, 2013

It interesting how these two couples reacted to this fight. Someone else mentioned it in their comment too. Here are just some examples:

Teresa runs for help. Melissa full-on participates and joins in.

Teresa calms down Joe after the two are pulled apart down by saying, “C’mon! For your kids, for your kids,” and tries to usher him from the room. Joey continues to antagonize Joe from a safe distance across the room, as Melissa charges at Teresa (Rosie blocks her), calling her a “disgusting pig” for not “helping her brother.”

Joe calms down. Joey continues shouting, even after Joe leaves.

In their rooms, Joe is calm and just listens to Teresa when she starts venting about wanting to punch Melissa. In their room, Melissa continues to feed Joey’s rage – comparing Teresa to Saddam Hussein.

Just exactly who is the antagonists here? A rhetorical question if there ever was one.

By Jersey Obsessed
July 18, 2013

I am so sick of the hypocrisy from Melissa, Joe and everyone else. Melissa had every right to call her hubby at the fashion show but Teresa can’t tell her hubby he called me scum, let’s go home and attempt to stop her hubby from even say anything? If I remember correctly, when Joe showed up at the fashion show, Melissa was egging him on to fight. Teresa didn’t have a friend in that room BUT her hubby, who ELSE was she supposed to tell?

Joe Gorga attacked Giudice and Teresa goes to get security because she knows (1) You never EVER break up a fight among men, and (2) No one but security was going to be able to break those two apart.

Melissa is jumping Giudice, getting her licks in NOT pulling them apart. But Teresa and Joe are the pigs?? I’m sure all this footage is going to help their case against Johnny the Greek! Lol

Apparently blaming everyone else is a family trait. First Gorga said Teresa was the reason he and Giudice didn’t get along – it wasn’t Juicy it was Teresa and he was buddy buddy with him like two years ago, saying he was like a big brother…then in the interview on this episode he said he has 10 years of built up hatred for Juicy and he is the reason there is a wedge between him and his parents. Which is it??? Maybe your parents don’t like you and your wife because you are disrespectful sneaky snakes in the grass! SMH

By lemonmarabou
July 18, 2013


Watch this episode closely, play it again and again and please bo so kind to understand that the one who charged was Joe Gorga. Please be so kind to understand that the second aggressor was Melissa Gorga who was scratching and attacking Joe Giudice instead of moving Joe Gorga away like you were trying to do. And after that Melissa Gorga was the one who wanted to physically attack Teresa, and you dear Rosie were between the two of them trying to stop Melissa (photo above).

Rosie be fair and remember that because these are the facts and these are the people you’re dealing with. Now you know what happened. Everyone knows.

By gessiewtf
July 18, 2013

Yes, Melissa, because everybody decided to put black shoe polish on their sneakers before their fight. Funny thing, though, I didn’t see any kicks to your armpit, Juicy’s arms, balls, head. So the shoe polish had to be up high. You dummy. Oh, and your husband’s shoes were white… If Andy doesn’t ask him why he went straight for the gonads, and why everybody was covered in spray on hair, I will never watch Bravo again.

P.S. Gessiewtf was on a roll, so please search her comments in the last blog – they are hilarious!

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“The scene that sums up Poor Melissa the most is her taking one last slug of wine before going to deal with her ‘husband.’ I wonder if it helps her cope with the nightmare she has created for herself?” – hummusbreath, July 18, 2013, FameWhorgas