Jay Mohr Blogs the Spot-on Truth About Melissa Gorga
Jay Mohr and Melissa Gorga are in a Twitter War!
Posted on September 13, 2011
Take a look at some very public sniping between Jay Mohr and Melissa Gorga!
Melissa Gorga’s Tweet:
@jaymohr37 @BravoAndy @bravotv guess they don’t have my back with this. I don’t care for jay, do u read his blogs.,,,he’s not funny anymore. I can handle him just don’t like him, Don’t get it twisted! Wow! I thought we r having fun, that took it to a whole new level, goodnight.
Jay Mohr’s Tweet:
Jay first responded to the fan who criticized his blog for bashing Melissa:
Listen up! @melissagorga I CRUSHED Teresa four weeks in a row. I CRUSHED Joe G. Too! WHY ARE YOU ON REALITY TELEVISION THEN?!! Ahem “Joe has drank enough booze to blind Keith Richards”. Did you think I was mean when I said your daughter was the most beautiful child I had ever seen? Don’t remember a thank you. I never wrote that you made the sign of the cross with your LEFT hand did I? For the record @melissagorga tonight told me to blog negative things about @Teresa_Giudice books and businesses. #fact #sad
Sun Post Weekly Interview with Melissa
Do you write your own music?
Yes I do and I have a co-writer. I really put a lot of time and effort into the lyrics as they often coincide with what is going on in my life or something that I’m feeling. Writing is a great release for me and one of the best parts of being involved in music. I love it!
Jay Mohr’s Bravo Blogs (Excerpts)
Jay Mohr is starting to think Teresa and Joe’s feud is just plain sad.
From the other room we hear an odd noise. For a second I thought maybe it was a neighbor’s cat having sex with a garbage truck, but as it turns out it’s Melissa singing. If only she could have just hung the song up there in the closet and forgotten about it.
Melissa is singing “Amazing Grace,” but instead of singing “a wretch like me” she croons “…A WENCH like me.” Oh snap! Amazing Grace RE-MIX!!!!!!!!! Someone get Timbaland on the phone immediately. We’re gonna rewrite all the standards and make them dance floor hits. “Snappy Birthday” will be the B-side to “Slow, Slow, Slow Your Boat.” Damn we are all gonna get rich, rich, RICH! Maybe Jo de la Rosa can sing back-up on a few of Melissa’s future fake songs (too soon?)
Meanwhile, somewhere across town, Melissa and her sisters are shopping for couture clothing at a strip mall. In this segment, Melissa drops the bombshell to her sisters that she is going to pursue a career in music. We also learn that Melissa isn’t wearing underwear. I am much more excited by the music career news. I cannot wait for her make-believe album to drop. We will finally have the third piece to the Housewives music puzzle. “Money Can’t Buy You Class”, “Tardy For the Party” and now finally, “A Wench Like Me” RE—MIX!!! I’m not sure how a music career will work out for Melissa because she seems to have the rhythm of a furnace.
Melissa is asked by the strip mall clothing store owner, “Do you write your own music?” Duh! Of course she does. “A wench like me?” Lyrics like that don’t just fall off trees and into walk in closets. Melissa explains that she knows a songwriter and she just keeps texting and texting and texting him song lyrics when she thinks of them. I’m pretty sure that’s how Lennon and McCartney did it. Fats Waller wrote most of his big hits by texting people as well. Melissa then says to her sisters, “You’re too old to be my back-up dancers. Truer words have yet to be spoken this season.
Smash cut back to Melissa’s house and her songwriter arrives. He is a handsome young guy named Antony and he is only 22 years old. I guess writing songs that no one will ever hear is a young man’s game.
As Antony walks Melissa through a song he has written for her by cobbling together a few hundred of her texts, Melissa asks, “Do you really think I can hit that note?” Melissa, you couldn’t hit that note with a Range Rover. She tries to hit it and exclaims, “I feel like I’m gonna die!” So do we! Open a tanning salon or something. Why does every one in show business automatically assume they can have a music career?
At Gia’s gymnastics event, it’s obvious that Joe Gorga is going to be late and miss all the good stuff. Gia is really good and looks like she really loves gymnastics. It’s a weird scene because all of the little girls are dressed like Data from Star Trek. Gia is visibly nervous about whether or not her Uncle Joey will show up. In the uneven parralel bars, Gia does amazing and sticks the landing to a score of 800! (Is 800 good? I have no idea, I just like Gia.)
Finally, after all the gymnastics have been gymnasticated, Joe Gorga and Melissa show up. I understand the concept of being “fashionably” late, but these two were “miss the entire thing” late. Joe Gorga and Teresa make nice, which for them is very nice and even Joe Giudice is civil. I actually didn’t think the meeting of Joe Gorga and Teresa was uncomfortable even considering their lateness.
What I found excruciatingly uncomfortable was Melissa acting so freaking angry the whole time. Why was Melissa pissed? Damn girl, you just got a 20-year-old Italian kid to come to your home and write you pop songs. Celebrate. Melissa can barely walk into the gym from the weight of her own attitude. This really surprised me because in the last episode it really looked like Melissa was going to be the peacemaker between Teresa and Joe. Maybe Melissa is angry because she is once again wearing the hat she got from the set of Blossom.
In her interview, Melissa says, “I feel empty inside.” Well, I suppose you are. These children all love each other and this petty feud is starting to bum me out! Watching Gia and Antonia hug and play and laugh is perfect and genuine and real. Then we cut away to the adults and Melissa is angry for no reason at all (it seems).
Hey, memo to Melissa…YOU were late. The entire gym is filled with people that got there on time.
Editor’s Note: According to Melissa in her Bravo blog, On Display, posted on June 14, 2011: “The time of the gymnastics meet did get confused, and Joe was a little off on it. You could see there was a lot of confusion when she told him the time on the phone, she changed the time twice and Gia said a different time.”
YOU need to seriously take a moment and realize that Joey IS talking to Teresa. They ARE getting along. Joe Giudice is on his best behavior. Oh, wait a minute… you did realize that. That’s why you are so angry. Everyone is starting to get along and that infuriates you. If the family gets along, you might get pushed to the back of the line. You CANNOT let that happen can you? No, and you won’t.
I am slowly starting to think that Melissa is a boring Danielle. At least Danielle really thought that people in white coats were coming to take her away. Danielle hung around with great, fun guys like Danny. Danielle had a criminal record.
Melissa is beginning to give us all of the psychological mind games without any of the fun that should come along with them. Joe Gorga and his sister Teresa have finally made a great deal of inroads with their feud. It’s nice to see. You can tell that the two of them really love each other. Melissa immediately goes home and sits Joe down and explains to him in some strange, Danielle-like way that she is being disrespected by his family. Then poor Joe Gorga, who was so close to mending his and Teresa’s fence, completely changes his mind and tells Melissa that his family needs to love her more or they are out. This was a difficult scene to watch. Not as difficult as watching Melissa sing but difficult none the less. Watching Melissa manipulate Joe was like watching Bugs Bunny outsmart that big red monster that wore Converse sneakers. It was just too easy and too sad.
Season 3, Episode 6
Teresa in her TH says: “We’re going down this crooked road because of the poison his wife’s given him.”
Teresa to Joe said: “She’s a cold person… I’m not saying she’s a bad person. She just pushed me away and I got away.”
Melissa in her TH says: “I just want Teresa to own up to everything’s she’s done. ‘Yes I’ve done this to you. Yes I’ve done this to your wife.’ Unless she owns up to what’s she done, she’s not going to have a brother for very long.”
One thing is clear, if you ever want to enrage Joey Gorga, compliment him. Joey tells Teresa that, “Melissa doesn’t like you because you tell it like it is.” So what is he saying, that Melissa only likes lies? That would explain why he kept telling her what a great singing voice she had.
Then Joey says something to the extent that not even Kathy likes Teresa. Teresa says to Joey that If Kathy doesn’t like her, it’s because she is friends with Melissa. Teresa expands on this in her interview by explaining to the viewer that she and Kathy used to be really close. At one point Teresa says, “Kathy used to do my hair.” The producers then immediately, blessedly, cut away to a photograph of Kathy from when she was the lead singer of Cinderella.
The longer Teresa and Joey’s meeting goes on, the more it is apparent that they aren’t really mad at each other about anything. Watching Joey Gorga give out all five thousand of his fake reasons why he’s mad at Teresa is the first time I’ve ever seen a man drown without water. If I were there, I would have thrown him a life vest and a hat.
I think the argument reaches it’s crescendo when Joey announces, “Shame on mommy, shame on daddy, and shame on you!” (I think Divine said that in Polyester.) There you have it. Everyone else is to blame, and everyone else is wrong except Joey and Melissa. It was right there in front of us the entire time. Joey Gorga’s just wasting his time trying to explain this to those of us blessed with rational thought and opposable thumbs.
When the discussion turns to the battle between Joe and Teresa, we finally get a little backstory. We see Teresa introducing her baby brother to everyone at her housewarming party like he was a superstar. Joe Giudice says that Teresa always gave her brother money, even when the rest of the family didn’t.
Teresa takes out Melissa and Joe’s house warming card, which for some reason is written by a third-grader in big bubble letters. On the card they wrote, “Congratulations on your re-done house.” As a viewer I was happy to see something/anything that explains the family tension. As a man I realized that if I received the same card, it would bother me until I died. Or at least until I noticed that Melissa misspelled “home.”
Back at the Gorgas’, Melissa finally puts her foot down to Joey and says regarding Teresa, “Either you talk to her, or I’m gonna talk to her!”
Back at the Gorga house, Melissa decides to give all the kids a bath. This could have been a very sweet and touching scene, but it gets a little creepy with all the sex talk. Joe has way too much sex talk while holding the baby. That is way too much sex talk with two toddlers in a bathtub. Where is Chris Hanson?
While watching this scene I slowly began to wonder if maybe Melissa just isn’t that into Joe. She keeps telling him that she is too tired to have sex. Too tired? I have given children baths before, and it is much more exhausting than the five minutes of fun that Joe Gorga is offering. Come on, Melissa, don’t tell us you’re tired. Girl, please! Who doesn’t want to make love to a guy in a powder blue, velour sweat suit who describes his semen as poison. Uh oh. Maybe she’s just not that into you.
Back in the Gorga house, Joe is still trying like hell to get Melissa to sleep with him. It’s amazing she can resist him, since he is such a charmer. Joe Gorga says that not having sex in five days is like when you have a white head zit and you finally pop it and puss shoots all the way across the room. Make up your mind, Gorga, is it poison or puss? He is a silver-tongued fox. I don’t know why Melissa won’t give him five minutes to get rid of his poison or to pop his white head so puss can shoot out of the room. Typing that last paragraph actually made me nauseous.
Joe makes Melissa read the letter to him. (I cannot keep poking fun at Joe Gorga. Someone else has to step up and take some of the heat off this guy). After reading the letter to Joe, Melissa does the unthinkable — she becomes the voice of reason. She implores her husband to go speak with his sister. Suddenly Melissa is acting nice, Teresa is acting crazy, Joe Gorga is filled with poisonous cumin, and I am completely confused.
The show starts off very quickly with Teresa saying in her interview that she and her sister-in-law, Melissa (Joe Gorga’s wife), don’t get along very well. What Teresa fails to mention is that her brother seems to despise her. The reason is never clearly explained by Joe Gorga during the episode. He gives a few halfhearted exclamations of, “Joe and Teresa tore apart me and my father,” but it never makes much sense.
Melissa in her interviews continually pounds away at Teresa and Joe. It’s hard to take much of what she says seriously, because she is constantly mixing in, “Praise Jesus!” “Praise Jesus!” is a very effective and powerful thing to say, but when you say it at the wrong time, it comes across as kind of creepy. Example: “I was taught to be a wife in the kitchen, a lady public, and a whore in the bedroom. Praise Jesus!”
Obviously there is an incredible amount of back-story that we that we don’t know involving the Gorga and Giudice families, but in the hour of television time allotted, it seems that the anger Joe and Melissa have against Teresa and Joe is mostly made up and in their heads.
At the Gorga christening (the first christening I have ever witnessed that needed a bouncer) an enormous brawl breaks out. It begins when Teresa approaches the head table and utters those good old fashioned fightin’ words, “Congratulations!” This makes Joe Gorga lose his mind and respond with, “Get the f— out of here,” “Leave,” and the always brotherly, “You’re garbage!” To Teresa’s credit, as mean as her brother was, she does begin to walk away before he calls her garbage. Joe does all this while pounding shot after shot with his pinkie out. He is obviously a very fancy man. Joe Gorga then starts banging his enormous fists on the table so hard that peas and beef fly into the air. At this point Joe Giudice has seen enough and charges Joe Gorga. This is one of the most frightening things I have ever seen on television, since Joe Giudice looks like a guy that could kill everyone in New Jersey using nothing but a cue ball in a sweat sock.
A common and unfortunate theme with Melissa and Joe Gorga is their need to put down Teresa and Joe Giudice for their financial troubles. It all seems so uncalled for and low. At one point Joe Gorga tells the camera that Joe Giudice just doesn’t like to work. Um, yeah…about that. Joe Giudice used to own his own construction company, and now he is literally flipping pizzas. That’s work. That’s work ethnic. That’s worth ethic. Hell, that’s even work ethic! It is also a clear indication of a man’s character. That is a man that will do any job to be sure he can provide for his family. Props to you, Joe Giudice. The next time I am in New Jersey, I am coming in for many slices. Maybe I’ll see Christopher there, since he announces on the show that he is going to leave the Brownstone.
Even though they are brother and sister, Joe Gorga and Teresa handle the fight’s aftermath very, very differently. Teresa immediately finds her father and offers him some water. Joe Gorga immediately finds one of his buddies, and they walk to the bar for more booze. Yeah, that’ll fix it! Joe Gorga then degenerates into a cross between Jake Lamotta and Neely O’Hara and starts screaming into his father’s face, “I’m your son! I’m your son!” Then he super bizarrely segues (in Italian) into, “Mama, you’re so cold! Mama you’re so cold!” It is amazing reality television, maybe the best I’ve ever seen. Certainly the strangest I’ve ever seen. I can’t wait until everyone tells their incredibly screwed up and self-serving version of events in subsequent episodes. Bravo has really hit a grand slam here. Melissa and Joe Gorga are a gift from the television gods. (Praise Jesus!) And the coming attractions assure the viewer that they don’t plan on slowing down. All the other Real Housewives franchises better step their game up! Real Housewives of New Jersey has just separated itself from the pack.